Ralphie? Whew, what a stench! Damn, you smell like overripe trash, what have you been eating, mutt?
Hey, Duke. What's happening? How's life? Hey, what's up with the choker and chain?
I've been banished from the house, Ralphie. It started when Shutup was chasing me around the house with a bat the other day. I snarled at him, just a warning mind you, but he kept coming at me. So I ran and hid under the coffee table. He smacked my head a couple of times and then he tried to drag me out from under the table by my dangles. The kid was pulling and yanking so hard, I started to choke. I snapped, a real nutty, pit-bull moment, and just missed the little creep's face, but I ragged a tiny corner of his ear.
So, Jesuschrist put you in a jangle-noose and hung you out here for nipping the kid?
Wait, there's more. After the little brat fell screaming to the floor, he left blood spots all over my favorite carpet. I had to go back and re-mark them, one by one to cover his scent. I managed to fix a bunch of them before Jesuschrist dragged me out the door and gave me a hose bath.
And you were punished for that? What kind of morons are you living with?
Poor training is the best I can come up with. Damn Ralphie, what's with the cloud your ass keeps burping? I know you've smelled like that before. Are you back on that organic stuff?
No way, Duke. After I took a dump in the last bag, I'm certain they'll never buy that trash again. You know, I'm convinced it takes longer to train 'em as they get older. I marked two bags and crapped the third before they figured it out. And they're the ones who can walk erect.
Hey, be thankful they're not cats. So last night the biscuit finally bent far enough to break. Jesuschrist came home just as I finished my bowl and I could hear him yelling while he was still in the garage, so I ran into Shutup's room to hide. His beatings are really getting old. I told you that Jesuschrist whacked my rump with that square bag he carries the other day and I limped for most of the evening. But I marked some shoes in his closet just so I could smell him coming the next time.
Good idea, Duke. You should go back and tag 'em all.
Anyhow, I don't hear anything for a while so I peek around the corner and Ohmygod and Jesuschrist are licking each other but she makes him stop, and she doesn't sound friendly either. Then he does his usual Doberman imitation and walks to his office. I come out of Shutup's room when I hear the door slam.
Is he ever a friendly human?
Nah, even from the first day I moved there, the only time I walked with him was in the rain and he tried to drag my ass through the mud. You shoulda seen the look on his face when I ran around his legs and made him fall with the leash.
You got him good, Duke.
Well, I usually get to play with Shutup after I eat and before they do. It's a small concession for being locked in that cage all day. But Jesuschrist came out of his office early and they all went to the table. Well let me tell you Ralphie, their dinner was a battle if I've ever heard one. Jesuschrist kicked me away from his chair. He never does that unless he's going to eat all the food Ohmygod gives him and I don't remember the last time that happened. There was so much shouting and yelling that my ears started to ring. The only thing that stopped them was when she got more food.
Hard to bark when you're chewing.
True words, Ralphie. Hey, did I tell you she let me share the bed night before last?
All night?
Jesuschrist tried to shove me off twice, but she made him sit still.
Very cool, Duke. You musta got some great smells.
Yeah, even Jesuschrist has an interesting scent for a human, if you know what I mean. But getting back to dinner last night, let me tell you something, mutt. It turned into a big win for the Dukester. I squeezed under the table to get to Shutup's chair after the second load of food came out. Ralphie, it was raining green peas and broccoli and I'm tucked in, right alongside his chair, mouth open, paws down, catching the stuff before it hits the carpet. Now, I normally don't eat green unless it grows where I can chew it fresh, but there was milk and butter sauce on those peas I couldn't resist. And the broccoli was wrapped in real bacon with grease dripping thicker than pancake syrup. I'm drooling right now just thinking about it.
Damn Duke, I'm grinding my molars on dry imitation chicken pebbles twice a day and you're feasting like a freakin' poodle at the deli counter!
Wait, wait, you haven't heard the best part! The sweet stuff came out at the end of their meal, so I switched to the kitchen side of the table where Ohmygod sits. I can put up with her smell for only a few moments, but I love when she puts creamy stuff on my nose, so it's worth dealing with a bit stench.
All of a sudden, I feel this itch building on my right thigh just above the hock. So I roll over to one side and kinda half stand, half sit and try to get rid of the itch by rubbing it against Ohmygod's chair. Well, she must have been reaching to get a piece of pie, 'cause the chair tilted away from me, and I must have pushed the chair at the same time she leaned over, and the pie came tumbling down, landing right in front of me, sweet side up. I'm telling you Ralphie, it was gone in three bites and a lick.
Hot damn, Duke! Was it fruit or cream?
You know I ate it so fast that I really don't remember. Anyhow, Ohmygod fell to the floor and her chair hit me in the nose before I could get away. As I tried to run out from under the table with the last bite of pie, I plowed into Jesuschrist and the pie got smashed on his leg. I almost bit the piece off his pants, but he smacked the back of my head with a spoon and stepped over me.
Shutup screamed something and then, out of nowhere, a bowl of potato mash splashes down in front of where I'm crouching. Well, you know how I love potato mash, especially when Ohmygod gives it to me with ground up meat mixed in.
Stop, stop, Duke, you're making my guts grumble.
Ralphie, at that point, my gut was already stuffed. But I launched into those potatoes faster than a squirrel running up a tree. I'm telling you, it was better than mama's milk. Well, Ohmygod starts making all these bird sounds and wringing her hands. Shutup must have disappeared while I was scarfing because I can't hear him. And Jesuschrist musta finally caught sight of me and the free food.
Let me guess, he wasn't in a friendly mood.
Ralphie, you should be in show business. I tried to get out of the dining room and down the hallway to Shutup's room, but his door was closed. I passed it on the run and bumped through the door to their bedroom. Jesuschrist found me trying to dig under his pillow.
Uh, oh.
Yeah, I could smell that scary combination of anger and fear just before he grabbed my neck. He didn't get much of a hold though, Ohmygod was right behind him and she knocked him in the head with my food bowl. I started to get down from the bed, but she stopped me and told me to stay. Jesuschrist shouted some words at her and Ohmygod shouted back. Then stuff was flying around the bedroom, but I stayed on the bed until he threw her to the floor.
No.
Her head bounced right below where I was sitting and he was hitting her with his fists. Well, I'd had about all I was going to take of this and I jumped on his back and got that silly ponytail in my mouth. I pulled his head around and he stopped hitting Ohmygod and starting hitting me. So I bit him. And he stopped.
Good for you, Duke.
Everything was okay until the police came, though. They wanted to take me away but Ohmygod wouldn't let them. I thought they were going to take Jesuschrist away but it looked like the police were friends of his. Anyhow, they all agreed I could stay, but I had to wear the choker and stay hooked up like this until someone decides I'm safe again. You know what Ralphie? I'm not sure I'll ever be safe again as long as I'm living here.
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